» HADOUKEN « go to the mall, get a pretzel, never return
When was the last time you visited an American mall? I'm not talking about Brookfield Place, The Grove or River Oaks District. I'm talking about those hulking, brutal structures anchored by Macy's and Sears with Abercrombie, Zumiez, Yankee Candle, Forever 21, Spencer's, Champs, Limited Too and incalculable combinations of other equally as irrelevant stores smashed in between. I'm talking about playing Russian Roulette at the food court, wandering through the open air concessions, giving the newest massage chair technology a whirl or maybe even coppin' a phone case. You know, the place where you went to kill time on idle summer afternoons as a teenager, to "pick up chicks" or simply escape the doldrums and monotony of suburban life.
This past weekend, I found myself strolling through the Staten Island Mall. It completely blew my mind.
The negative reports coming from basically every apparel and beauty segment--tween fashion, department stores, fragrance, licensed apparel etc.-- lamenting the demise of the American mall do not even begin to scratch the surface of just how, well, doomed mall operators are. Ever see that video of the abandoned Blockbuster in some podunk Texas town? That is precisely what walking through the mall in 2016 feels like (except with the occasional indifferent sales associate peeking his/her head up in between selecting filters on Snapchat). And the inventory. My God, the inventory. I've never seen so much...stuff...just littering the shelves and racks of every single store. It's the second week of October and you're still trying to get rid of summer styles? And fall merchandise is already hard marked at 30% off? And it's all just kind of thrown together with no clear merchandising strategy? Just racks on racks on racks? Oh boy.
One can't even begin to image what's going to happen to all this once-treasured real estate. With billions of square footage to fill, operators are faced with the ultimate "chicken or the egg" question: are the terrible, anachronistic tenants selling irrelevant wares to blame for low attendance or are Americans so enraptured by the fungibility of product and ease of e-commerce that no store or experience will get them to the mall, period? I think it's a combination of both--a sign of a change in cultural attitude that is irreversible and borderline unaddressable at this point. I say unaddressable because the simultaneous tasks of kicking out every under-performing tenant (who have no where else to go) while recruiting exciting ones (who don't want to be in a mall) and developing experiential concepts in and around the mall to attract customers back to these once-hallowed halls is, seemingly, impossible. Hell, even if these malls somehow managed to convince Nintendo and Niantik to put all the best Pokémon in front of every entrance I'm not quite sure that would do the trick.
Then there's the dramatic renovations that are sorely needed at most of these places. You think any bank in the world is interested in giving a loan to a mall right now to undergo improvements? Would you lend money to a minimum wage making distant relative with an opioid problem who has a bunch of kids with a bunch of different women and still uses a Motorola Razr? Aggressive analogy, I know. But I also know your answer. An emphatic "fuck no."
So where do we go from here? Well, it's certainly not to the mall. However, if you do find yourself there, tell Auntie Anne I said "hi." Her pretzels are still glorious.